It is allegedly Summer time when everyone including the birds and the bees are supposed to be happy and drenched with ‘warm weather and sunshine’ but of course the weather has been very indifferent now that the pigging Tories are in power for a second term so we can blame them for the crap weather and the fact that it has rained for 6 week in a row on a Sunday which has affected Hayle & Withiel & Truro & Penryn & Lanhydrock and has caused us and our sellers and buyers a financial discomfort. That lunatic Cameron is swanning around the world “look at me I have won a second term” or “Can I give your country some of the UKs hard earned dosh mate” but it is no miracle the twat won considering the opposition of Tricky Nicky Cleggy and unsteady Eddie Rubberband of the Labour Party and the only politician to raise anyone’s heartbeat was Nigel Farage who if allowed proportional representation would have at least 20 seats in Westminster and he promises to legalize the weed, I wish the bloody intrusive newspapers would do a sting on the amount of Cannabis those elected muppets in Westminster who ‘do the weed’ but……. What about that fecking Lord Sewell blokie who was a major spokesman on public moral and standards, the stupid looking nutter that he is. (Appointed by that war crazed Tony effing Blair jerk-off blokie) So his Lordship gets caught in a sting with a couple of prossies snorting cocaine from the cleavage of their boobies, I mean if he wants to snort that is his business but there must have been stage when he said to himself ‘is this a set-up or what’? On reflection it could be fun (and it is) covering the boobies with mucky honey and crunchy peanut butter and a dash of chilli sauce it’s an absolute must for snorting and licking off her chest for an hour or so but be warned it could really piss her indoors off in no time, she would spoil the fun and probably complain in the first 5 minutes and then break out in a figging face and boobies rash the following morning FFS! Apparently the press missed the real story from the previous week when the prossies stuck their arses in the air and covered their butt cheeks with ‘the white stuff’ At the count of three they both farted into Sewer’s face and he was showered with the falling ‘white stuff’ which went everywhere and his Lordshit fell into a deep satisfying coma whilst the prossies went through his trouser pockets and 24 hours later he came round dazed skint and surrounded by the world’s press! What a gross embarrassment he is to this country he should be taken to the tower and hung by his balls with that Rolf Harris arsehole FFS. My take on all drugs including cigarettes which contains killer nicotine and killer tobacco is you pays yer money you takes your choice but what a choice because snorting and jabbing stuff into your body through dirty needles is a nutter’s way to live your life and your potential death. I have never been tempted to ‘get into drugs’ but I do admit to using Cannabis for the last 15-40 or so years. Cannabis is a HERB with a history going back many thousands of years to the days before the alleged Christ blokie who could walk on water so maybe he had a couple of spliffs to achieve such a feat, whenever I have a couple of spliffs and try to walk on water I fall flat on me face or a b’stard great wave bowls me over FFS! When we first moved to Truro a crazed Lemon Street doctor advised me after I had admitted taking Cannabis to him because his poxy medicines and tablets did not work ‘you will probably die in your early 60s if you do not stop smoking Cannabis’ well, well you stupid old quack-twat I am in my late seventies so it’s up yours that’s of course if yer still alive dear! Bloody man could not pronounce my name instead of Wiles he would call me Viles which immediately made me thinks of rats and Viles disease and he looked like a rat in my stoned condition, I used to completely forgot WTF I was doing in his surgery in the first place FFS!! Now that the USA are becoming more tolerant of Cannabis with more than several states legalizing Le Herb it is time for guidance from this crap Government and the Police with considered permission for users to be able to grow say no more than 4 plants every ¾ months for their own personal use and under NO CIRCUMSTANCES should the grown Cannabis be sold. That is my personal opinion and let’s face it if the Police now say “WE may not come to your house if it is BURGLED” so why TF should they come to your house if you are having a couple of home grown spliffs FFS. I am sure that the majority of Police would prefer to be chasing the real criminals (Tories) who are far worse to society than the odd weed grower. And, why don’t we in the UK legalise it to be grown under supervision and get some of the lazy sod farmers to grow it professionally and for it to be available to buy in the Supermarkets with discounted prices for the old pot smoking pensioners. The Government could earn multi millions from the sales and in time that should surely raise a few billions in taxes instead of squeezing the benefits of people without jobs, but then they always seem to find a way of having a £10.00 packet of fags and a pigging mobile so who GAF really. I do! Talking about criminals some of our stall holders at Newquay today complained that items had been stolen from their stalls and whilst it is petty thieving it is still a crime to steal something that is clearly not yours. Two really decent chaps who are regular sellers Oliver and Graham arrived to tell me that on Tuesday they had items stolen from their stall and I must admit I mildly bollocked them for taking their eyes off the prize and I said they were probably ogling the birds at the time and I do not mean the feathered variety. I mean here we have two lads bordering on becoming seriously old farts and they set up their stall which in reality the two of them are in charge of a space the size of an average bathroom and they are ‘totally in charge’ of their stall themselves and nothing more nothing less and yet some bugger nicks an item well worth the £10.00 asking price. I mean, I am not being rude because that is not my nature but I saw what they were trying to sell and I was thinking of opening a charity stall on their behalf right next door to them, please give generously. Now then, who is to blame none other than Oli and Graham FFS! Anyway I showed my impatience by yellow carding Oliver with a warning to ‘be more careful! Guess what? I kid you not, the same bliddy day they complained someone thieving b’stard stole an item from their stall whilst they both were allegedly ‘keeping an eye open’ which eye FFS? I cannot wait to see their wives cos I am sure they won’t have the balls to admit ‘we had something taken from our stall today dear’ but I’ll tell em, revenge time for their continued rudeness to me if nigh my birds! A lady came to tell me some woman had stolen an item from her mother’s stall and mother followed the lady and said ‘excuse me you have not paid for the item you took off my stall please pay NOW’ which the lady paid without a word of apology. The price of the stolen item was 50p she was not complaining but merely pointing out that adults would stoop that low to steal something to the value of 50p? My advice to you is to have a good hard look at your stall and think to yourself “what is worth stealing from my stall” if the reply is ‘fig all’ that is exactly why you’re selling it but don’t let the bastards steal it FFS! Apart from all that hassle it was a brilliant day, we were praised for the way our teams run the sales (thank-you) Lou and I want it to go on record that this year’s teams have been the absolute best ever, ever. Having said that several were with us last year like Alice and her brother Oli. Amelia who is in charge of Lanhydrock and Gae with her catering team are all worthy of the compliments we get for good service and lots of praise for the food on sale in our Car Boots Catering trailers. I am lucky to be surrounded by lovely women some are gay some are AC/DC and some are straight, I have always had lovely relationships with my lesbian friends (nothing physical you understand) this year is no exception but I seriously miss Kelly Miles who worked at the Car Boots for many years, her was lovely (still is) with a great friendly personality she was so popular with customers and beautiful to boot, she could score with the most beautiful women and convert straight and married women into ‘trying it out’ Go gay, the taste is better and it keeps the populations down!! Rant coming up! Lots of people in my early theatre years thought I was too good to be true and as gay as a nine bob note which could not be further from the truth (I only help them out when they are busy) * I just adore women of all ages apart from the those who are like ‘in the change’ so to speak which is more or less the whole of Cornwall’s 45 plus ladies who seem to take a turn for the worse after about three o’clock every Wednesdays. Darlings it isn’t we men’s fault dears FFS! But my lovelies you can and you certainly do have us men by the balls when you get your funny turns with yer bloody hot flushes and yer effing headaches and yer stamping yer feet sessions and yer no sex rules and everyone has to shut TFU and it gets worse when according to your claim that you are absolutely right about absolutely everything you have to say FFS and also according to you it’s all our fault FFS. WALOBs! I mean yer never hear us men moaning on and on and on do yer? You are supposed to enjoy going through all the different stages in your life my lovelies like we men are constantly maturing you ladies is getting ready for granification dears, but you don’t hear us men moaning and groaning on FFS do yer? So don’t go keep blaming us men cos you is off colour and in one of yer moods and when we men walk into the room where you are and we take one look at your face and we think to ourselves ‘Now wot the fuck have I done wrong this time? Don’t blame us my lovers, blame your mother or the bleeden kids! By the way, despite all we still love you dears all we ask is that you shut TFU now and again and listen to us men who are wiser so to speak, but we do worship the grounds that are coming to you my sweetie. XX Talking about kids you will remember that kid Wilf who had his bike stolen from the Car Boot at Newquay, well he is a bit of a gem of a kid and only three year old, he has a super dad who has a brilliant sense of humour. As they were leaving the sale yesterday daddy wound the window down and said to Wilf who was sitting in the front seat (with seat belt on) “Tell Geoff what his name is” Wilf looked me straight in the eyes and said “effing Geoff” the dear of him! But his two words were overheard by Alice, Jojo and several other staff and daddy was so chuffed with Wilf’s little party joke which I thought was very rude from a kid of three to an old aged pensioner FFS, rude but hilarious according to my entire team, I am now going to be known of ‘effing Geoff’ by them all for the rest of the season! Thanks’ Wilf, I don’t suppose daddy would lend you to help us park cars next week please. Wilf could be the round-a-bout!! He may need his crash helmet though! Ask his gran cos I am certain it was her who came up with my new nickname in the first place FFS. Do not sell FAKES! Lou was doing the rounds at Newquay yesterday and on one of the stall she noticed a full display of new fake Shirts & Tee Shirts with famous names including Ralph Lauren selling for real in the town centre shops for £40.00 plus but today fake copies available at fifteen quids or two for £25.00 The seller firstly denied the stock were fakes saying “I sell these up country” however he was asked by Louise to close his stall down and we would give him a refund. The sellers were decent guys no doubt but if we were to allow them to sell knowing their stocks were fake Trading Standards would throw the book at us for allowing our customers to be sold fake goods. We have had the problem in previous years where holiday-makers have bought new Tee Shirts to take home as a gift only to find they have bought fake goods, if it looks too good to be true, then it aint true!! Finally, what a great Sunday at all three locations, Lou did Truro and Lanhydrock which were both well supported by sellers and buyers and BARGAINS galore, whilst I really lost the plot at Penryn when a Polish couple who were caught buying whilst the sellers were setting up! “We don’t speak English” (well WTF are you doing here then) does not really work with me nor does acting stupid in front of a few hundred people who knew the rules but these two opened the barriers ahead of the start time and started buying. Apart from that it was a good day at Penryn with well over 100 sellers and the whole crowd enjoyed great weather for the first sunny and dry day on a Sunday in 6 weeks! Geoff X